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[09 Mar 2005|01:53am] |
If they knew how close I was they never would have invited me...
If they knew how close I was my pills would not be kept in my site.
But this is my freedom, life or death...seemingly the only freedom left, for my brain allows no more...
To him my problems are ho hum...and yes...to the world they are as well. What is another life? Another death?
Who the fuck am I to even question whether I should stick around and waste resorces?
B... forgive me, I don't plan on being around for your bday. But enjoy. And if I were alive and rich, I would buy you the world. -kiss-
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[20 Feb 2005|10:47pm] |
So, I am not to have a close relationshio with anyone, including my family. My therapist says I need to love and trust my family and have a close family. Who am I to trust?
I can not talk to my only friend, my "sick" love because I am sick... I get handed a number to talk to total strangers who don't know me, and basically don't give a shit. And what am i to do if they don't agree with one or either. I have voices from all different directions. Words such as love, trust, alone, faith all thrown in my face.
I want a gun.
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[29 Jan 2005|07:33pm] |
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My dad called me twice today. I didn't pick up. I was afraid to. I'm afraid of everything right now. Every eye is a demon.
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[27 Jan 2005|11:28pm] |
My boyfiend got a tad mad at me. I don't blame myself, but it sucks, big time.
Talked to the shrink tonight, he and I established a happy place for me... included boyfriend and shedding pet cat we all know and love as the ever so furry Merlin. (or some black or siamese cat)
OH! He's IMing me! WHEEE!
He said his comp frooze. Hm.
OK...Well.
Peace out, yo.
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| Dangerous heart agape |
[06 Jan 2005|10:20pm] |
I am travel weary. Havn't I had enough? Cities and towns rush by me as I stare out the window... so many lives, so many sitcoms out there. Happy, sad, indifferent.
Being here on the south end is really no different than anywhere else. Prejudices, beliefs, activities all aglow... part of a world I hesitate to be a part of. And here is little old tired demused, lilted eyes and heavy heart.
I miss my darling... and I do hope he misses me as well. I want to start anew with him. Create, dance, relish in deep dark pains and passions. I want to be back in his arms... otherwise, Washington could go to hell for all I care.
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| Bathing |
[11 Dec 2004|01:30pm] |
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Today I am indulging in a big chunk of kick ass self loathing. True, I am ready to give up the ghost but lack the substances or utensils that WILL get the job done. I love my man, but, as being me goes, I don't feel deserved of anyone, for my life causes pain. I am caustic and ugly.
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[08 Dec 2004|11:38pm] |
freewillastrology.com
In a past incarnation, it's possible that you were imprisoned or burned at the stake for expressing your beliefs. That might help explain why you're sometimes reluctant to speak your mind with total candor in this life. But you can't afford to let that ancient inhibition rule you now, Libra. Somehow you've got to find the courage to express your core truths with sustained, unflinching clarity. To do so won't lead to a punishment nearly as severe as what you suffered in that previous lifetime, but there may still be a bit of hell to pay. The tradeoff, which will strengthen your soul in ways you can't imagine, will be well worth it.
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[08 Dec 2004|11:09pm] |
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Yoga CD |
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"We will be here when you return!" -flips the birdie-
Great! Thanks for shoveling a big heap of what I didn't want into my stale. I'm up to HERE in shit. And who said I was to return, mother fuckers. Don't assume anything. You all disgust me. I have given myself that right! Before I compared who I saw through my jaded eyes to the fuckwad that I felt I was/am.
Tonight I spoke with my pokie, prickly sister-in-law... and she made me cry, of joy. Not only does she care, but she told me how beautiful, intelligent, and sweet I am... God, I'm crying now...just from compliments she made me take and look her in the eye.
When my brother paid heed to what I told him this morning, parels of my past...I was beside myself that he cared so much!...That he was utterly disgusted by my mothers reaction! As if I deserved better!?! I did! Why didn't I see that before.?I am not a victim, I just assumed the role. Naive. Lost. Yeah, that was me. Willing to take each breath as it came.
And now I wait again, to have a new lease on life, though at the moment, I couldn't give a pair of dog balls if I lived to see tomorrow.... but to know that I was trying... that will satisfy me.
I am no longer going to let my heart go, I have suffered too much from relatioships, though this last one, I believe, he is suffering a low self-esteem and confidence. I know it, I swim in it. I just can't drown in his discomforts as well, I tried, and it seems to me he rather tourture himself.
But he can say or do what he must to say our breaking up was rational. It should have been rational to me the moment he began doubting. I love him, it's tough to let go when there is passion involved....so yeah, I held onto hope (and I believed the tarots). He is weaved into a web of fear and abandon, not to mention pain. He expects it, almost wantingly. Fuck hope. Fuck love. Fuck happiness.
This is just the dying stage were your obituary is being charted. But who reads that shit anyway?
Can't wait for the Holidays to end. Jesus... and all of the marketing, tranparent, consuming and mind controlling holidays there after.
My Sis just told me when I am to go into the hospital. I guess I am not done with my tears.
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| Amused Demused |
[26 Nov 2004|02:08am] |
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Novy Svet |
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I am a goddess. Feeding off chocolates, red wine and basking in my own simple pleasures.
I decided today I will make a shirt that says...and I quote "Made in Honda."
:)
I stare at the pink nosed sixteen year old version of my 28 year old boyfriend and I want to take him... I could imagine women, and probably men as well, got thier "jollies" in checking out his fine boy cherub like features. THrough time , 12 years to be exact his face has roughened...yet it still stands out like a bleached mask in a pile of tar.
The overweight , yet well hidden in fur and grace, male cat runs up and down the halls escaping the uneutured associate and housemate Ashes, and her wild feline estrogen.
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[07 Nov 2004|10:29am] |
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Yes. So what I felt and expressed was immature... I want him to feel he can share anything with me. I believe I am just missing him sore.
When I am with him I am not bothered by any talk or picture of the past because it is just that... I guess I just felt as he has explained himself feeling... If he's ruminating over it, then he is still attached. Well, now I know THAT's bullshit.
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| feigning |
[07 Nov 2004|01:41am] |
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I never fail to give enough shit to myself. I am a sponge, insatiable. *slurp*
"Come on baby, I can take it... Keep swinging, ya bastard!"
Tonight I feel like crying into my wee pillow for I am annoyed with myself...
Yes, I know... I NEED get over fucked up thoughts, this imagery and emotion that stirs my soul, causing me to feel perfectly nauseous.
Perhaps in the morning I'll breath in a fresh whiff of opportunity and personal triumph rather than a slouching disposition.
I have but one ciggarette left and no balls to check my account balance.
I dreamt of him with that girl again last night... It's my insecurity...the part of me that says "He's going to figure out you suck and drop you like a spider drawn husk." These are the thoughts that jepordize my happiness day by day. Those and many like them.
Yeah... I'm a positive person.
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| Starting Anew |
[04 Nov 2004|02:38pm] |
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It has been clear to me that in order to let my thoughts run rampantly free, I need to know that my name is concealed behind this veil, far from various onlookers of the not so pleasant past. (not to mention those who wish to control my future)
One day more and I may receive my anti-depressants again. I can not speculate the effects of the various chemicals or how my body/brain may take, for I will always and forever be the guinea pig at the mercy of my Dr's. And yes, there is yet another reason I wish/ hope/ itch to be "well" besides myself... duely selfish, but pure of heart.
The past is behind me, and there I will let it remain. I shall not have my decisions, memories, sore spots decide what is to be my future. Oh, if only one can wipe a slate clean and begin again much like a video game... but it is impossible... It's just time to let go, let my faults remain where they may...far from my bedside.
Last night had to be one of the most intense love making sessions with my beloved... or else the most. He is my light, he is total, he is everything I could wish for and more. He seems to know of my passions and feed them well. I thank and honor him for that and will do all in my power to see that my devotion is transparent.
Farewell
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demused's journal